Resources and Downloads
Grief and Death
Jun 1, 2024
Let’s talk about Grief and Death…
Everyone experiences grief at some point in their life. That is why we believe it is important to understand what grief and death is, and the various tools for ‘coping.’
Grief
At some point in life, everyone will experience grief. Grief is what we feel when someone we care about dies. These feelings can be strong, confusing, or even scary—but they are normal. It’s okay to talk about them, and it’s okay to ask questions.
Death
When someone dies, they are not alive anymore, and they won’t come back. Death is a natural part of life. All living things—people, animals, and plants—die at some point.
Some people believe in heaven or another place people go when they die. Others believe different things. It’s okay to talk about what you believe with someone you trust.
What is Grief?
Grief is a mix of feelings that happen when we lose someone we love. You might feel sad, angry, tired, confused, worried, or relieved. You might cry a lot, or not cry at all. You might want to talk to someone, or you might want to be alone for a while.
There is no “right” way to grieve. Everyone is different, and that’s okay.
Whilst there is no right or wrong way to experience grief, there are healthy and unhealthy ways of coping with death. Coping is doing things to make you feel better. These are the actions you take because of how you are feeling.
Healthy examples:
- You are feeling sad, so you talk to someone you feel comfortable with about your feelings, for example, a close friend or family member, your doctor, support worker, a therapist or a counsellor. Talking makes you feel better.
- You are feeling angry, so you go for a run or do your favourite exercise. This makes you feel better because your angry energy has an outlet. This means your anger has somewhere to go.
- You are tired, you allow yourself to sleep more than normal. You go to bed earlier or wake up later, because grief is emotionally exhausting, and you need to look after yourself.
Unhealthy examples:
- You are feeling depressed, so you drink too much alcohol or take drugs to make you feel better. If you do feel better, it is for a short period of time and once this wears off you will feel worse.
- You are feeling anxious and not in control so you harm yourself. This makes you feel like you have much more control. Again, this gives you short-term relief, but as the cycle continues you feel much worse.
- You are angry, so you pick a fight with someone. Your anger must come out some way, but this ends up hurting yourself and others.
Grief for people with a learning disability, autism and other support needs
Grief for someone with a learning disability, autism and other support needs is often overlooked and unsupported. As a result, people may be excluded from discussions about death and have limited experience with events like funerals. This exclusion can lead to stronger grief responses including, anger and guilt, made worse by a lack of social and emotional support.
Critically, people with a learning disability experience grief in much the same way as everyone else. We need to work harder to recognise and support people with a learning disability to talk about and understand grief and death.
Monica Reardon, a manager for Marie Curie states that, ‘Sometimes people try to protect a person with a learning disability from difficult emotions by not talking about death, but this can make them feel even more confused and isolated when they do experience grief.’
Let’s Talk
Talking about death
It’s okay to ask questions about death. Talking about it can help you feel less scared or confused. You might ask things like:
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What does “dying” mean?
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Will I die one day?
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Where do people go when they die?
Someone you trust can help explain these things in a way that makes sense to you. There are also easy-read books you can look at, like “Am I going to die?
Before and After Death
Talking about death doesn’t only have to happen after someone dies. It’s okay to talk about it before, too—especially if someone you love is very sick or old.
This is called “pre-bereavement support,” and it helps you feel a little more ready and less scared.
You can talk about your own worries, or ask questions about what will happen when someone you care about dies. You don’t need to wait until something happens to start the conversation.
How to Support Someone
Did you know that we offer training to help staff support people with Loss and Bereavement. Contact us if you want to find out more.
The Foundation for People with Learning Disabilities (FPLD) spoke to various people with a learning disability about grief as part of their ‘Thinking ahead Project’.
They were told, “‘We need to hear about people being ill and people dying so that we learn how to cope – if we haven’t got ideas about how to cope with death then it’s very difficult when our parents die.’”
People around you can help by:
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Explaining death in simple words
– “The person’s body stopped working and they can’t feel pain anymore” -
Letting you ask questions and express your feelings
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Including you in funeral plans
– Choosing flowers, songs, or clothes -
Helping you make a memory book or box
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Taking you to visit the grave or crematorium
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Being clear – for example, explaining that a person buried in the ground isn’t “in heaven” at the same time
You are not alone
Grief can be very hard, but you don’t have to go through it by yourself. There are people who care about you and want to help. It’s okay to laugh. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to miss someone and still enjoy life. Take your time and be kind to yourself.
- Grief and Death
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- Cards on Life, Death and Loss – Jo Giles in collaboration with Claire Lam
- Supporting people with learning disabilities through grief – Cruse Bereavement Support
- Supporting people with a learning disability when they experience a loss or bereavement – A guide for carers
- Information and Support for Carers – Bereaved NI
- Bereavement Mini Set – Beyond Words Books
- Learning Disabilities and Bereavement – At a Loss
- Autism and Bereavement – At a Loss
- What will happen when I’m gone? – The Challenging Behaviour Foundation
- Help you and your loved ones cope with Bereavement – Family Support NI
- When Someone Dies Easy Read Booklet – NHSCT
- Guiding People Through Bereavement – NHSCT